Help! I"m Lost In A Relationship

[eli]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

you know wat i'm here to ask for opinion and wat to do ok,,,i'm here asking for advise so i can make thing easier for him cause i feel like i'm helpless. This is part of helping him and you think that this is making harder on him, maby you still don't understand love yet. Plus yes i use to lived in CA and i know that its cheaper down there. Wait until you come up here and u'll understand wat i mean.

Making things harder for him is part of helping him? Part of "your love" for him?

Yea, please go grow up some more. This is the advice that many of us are offering. Be less helpless when thinking about marriage. Things will be easier then.

[mehlubu]

Originally Posted by Mary630

mehlubu, i think everyone agrees that you should hold off on marriage for a bit until you figure out what you want to do. Look at it this way, if you want to make it easier for him, let him figure it out first and/or for him to find a way to marry you. In the mean time, sleep on it. Maybe you'll find out later that you're glad you waited.... who knows? or maybe you'll realize that you still want to be with him more then ever. Don't pressure him into marrying you yet. Just suck it up.

its not that i want to marry him and ask for it, he wanted to get marry but couldn't find a way to. that is why we both try to find a way to get marry. I'm ok living with my parents, but you know something its not as easy. you know both side of the family doesn't like each other and when we want to spend time together we either have to lie to our parents or sneek out. i think that that is wrost than just get marry..

[eli]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

its not that i want to marry him and ask for it, he wanted to get marry but couldn't find a way to. that is why we both try to find a way to get marry. I'm ok living with my parents, but you know something its not as easy. you know both side of the family doesn't like each other and when we want to spend time together we either have to lie to our parents or sneek out. i think that that is wrost than just get marry..

You sound like a 15 year old. We may be hard on you, your drama and your choices but come on, you're not ready. If you want to spend time together and think that marriage is the option for that to happen, perhaps so. But thats no reason to get married. Slow it down a couple notch.

[Herbal]

Here is how I see after reading 4 pages of this situation.

Your boyfriend is not ready to get marry. He is not ready to be a husband to you. He doesn't love you enough. That is why he has not taken you in regardless of being disown or not.

He is traditional from Thailand. This is how he thinks like:

He knows that if he marries you, he will lose his family & relatives. He is not willing to give his family and relatives up. He knows that if he choose you over his family and relatives that he may never ever in his lifetime find anyone who will be family to him. It doesn't matter who out there wants to help him, they will never stand in front of a bullet for him than his own family. That is how thick blood is. To an extent, this is very true in the Hmong community.

What his family is probably lecturing and telling your boyfriend:

You're still young. This lady is the same age as you (according to the myspace page he is 22). She's too old for you. Women matures faster than man. She will step all over you.

You need to get an education and pursue a better career. There are plenty of girls out there. You can even go back and marry someone from Thailand and Laos who are younger. When you are 28, 29, or 30 with an education and good career, women will throw themselves at you even if you don't want them to. That's when you can pick and choose.

You want to come home to someone who will listen to you and comfort you. Not someone who looks at you like you're a low life bum and makes you a slave because you don't know English. Then cheats on you and if you tell her to stop, she will call the cops and put your @zz to jail.

If you marry him, this is how your marriage is probably going to be like:

If you two marry you become the care taker of him, while he goes to school so that he is able to support you in the long run. Both your roles will change, you are the man and he the woman now. That doesn't mean that your life is then going down hill because you wear the pants. It just means that both of you switch roles. Still works out though. But it's going to be tough on you, especially because you are a woman. It's going to take at least 8-10 years for him to catch up to your degree in learning English and finishing school that is if he is motivated enough.

Everyone says you are young, hold on and wait out before you marry:

I agree. You are 22 years old. You still have about 7 years to go before you are consider old for a single in the Hmong community. Anyone can disagree with me on this but I can tell you that there are lots and lots of Hmong women out there who are getting older who are reaching into their 30s & few are 40s and not married. They will tell you that they're fine and they're succeeding in life, but deep inside they're afraid they might not be able to find a potential Hmong husband because

1. They're pool of fish is getting smaller and smaller
2. They set high expectation for "husband" material when really they need to look at themselves as well
3. They want equal rights, which doesn't really work well with a Hmong husband unless he practices it as well and majority don't.

Your other boyfriend:

It's good that you are keeping your options open. But you don't seem to know how to play the game. You don't just marry because you can't have the other deck of cards. You need to keep playing and playing until you find the King who is the #1 Ace.

Other comments & suggestions:

You need to know what love really is. Right now you are scared because you want a traditional wedding and you want everyone's approval. Truth is, life is not easy as that.

You can run off with your boyfriend and not have the traditional wedding. Just keep living together and be committed. Keep saving and support each other. Honor & respect one another like husband and wife, not boyfriend and girlfriend. If you can do this then you're pretty much married and sooner or later both family will come to conclusion of accepting you two.

[Mary630]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

its not that i want to marry him and ask for it, he wanted to get marry but couldn't find a way to. that is why we both try to find a way to get marry. I'm ok living with my parents, but you know something its not as easy. you know both side of the family doesn't like each other and when we want to spend time together we either have to lie to our parents or sneek out. i think that that is wrost than just get marry..

why is it hard to live with your parents?

you don't really have a choice. Either you continue to keep seeing him behind their backs, or you break it off and let him go....

or you convince your parents to let you move out but what are chances of that working? You lose something either way. What is more important and have more value to you? You can wait until you can have it all (if not with him, with someone else)... or you can risk it all.

[Hrm]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

you know wat i'm here to ask for opinion and wat to do ok,,,i'm here asking for advise so i can make thing easier for him cause i feel like i'm helpless. This is part of helping him and you think that this is making harder on him, maby you still don't understand love yet. Plus yes i use to lived in CA and i know that its cheaper down there. Wait until you come up here and u'll understand wat i mean.

I think most of us agreed that you should wait and why the hell are you telling me you want to make things easier on him when you specifically post that you want to make things harder on him?! And btw, we repetitively tell you the same thing we've been telling you, but you always come back with some lame shit you can't figure out on your own!

Excuuuuuuse me, who the hell are you to tell me that I don't understand love yet when YOU are the person who wants to make things harder on him? If you love someone, wouldn't you want to make things easier on him? Wouldn't YOU be there to help him every inch of the way? And wouldn't YOU give him a chance than to take the easy way and try to run off and get married to someone else that you don't like nor love? Yeah, it seems like you really know and understand about love here, sweetie.

Maybe YOU should try to understand love first before you start pointing your fingers at others.

Cheaper in CA? LMFAO. You have no idea how "cheap" it is down there if you haven't lived on your own yet.

And, yes, I am also here to give you my advice and opinion. Take it like a troop and don't bitch about it when you don't like what you hear. I'm not going to sugar coat anything so I won't hurt your feelings.

[Hrm]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

its not that i want to marry him and ask for it, he wanted to get marry but couldn't find a way to. that is why we both try to find a way to get marry. I'm ok living with my parents, but you know something its not as easy. you know both side of the family doesn't like each other and when we want to spend time together we either have to lie to our parents or sneek out. i think that that is wrost than just get marry..

Regardless if he asked for it or not, from all your previous posts, it does seem like you do want to get married to him too along with all the pathetic reasons you listed on why you feel like you should get married (all your friends are married, you have no free time to yourself or when you do, you have no one to spend it with, you're alone and depress, etc) right now. I mean, if you didn't want to get married, this thread wouldn't be continuing and people wouldn't be giving you the same advices over and over. Right?

Child, lying and sneaking out to see each other because both of your families don't like each other is not worst than getting married. Don't believe me? You should try getting married to each other and tell us the war that are going to happen between your family and his.

[Hrm]

I'm pretty sure losing his family is so much easier than you two lying and sneaking around to see each other!

[eli]

Maybe we should say, "Just follow your heart." lol

[Mary630]

Originally Posted by eli

Maybe we should say, "Just follow your heart." lol

ohgawsh, can you imagine the insanity if everyone followed their heart?

[mehlubu]

Originally Posted by Hrm

I think most of us agreed that you should wait and why the hell are you telling me you want to make things easier on him when you specifically post that you want to make things harder on him?! And btw, we repetitively tell you the same thing we've been telling you, but you always come back with some lame shit you can't figure out on your own!

Excuuuuuuse me, who the hell are you to tell me that I don't understand love yet when YOU are the person who wants to make things harder on him? If you love someone, wouldn't you want to make things easier on him? Wouldn't YOU be there to help him every inch of the way? And wouldn't YOU give him a chance than to take the easy way and try to run off and get married to someone else that you don't like nor love? Yeah, it seems like you really know and understand about love here, sweetie.

Maybe YOU should try to understand love first before you start pointing your fingers at others.

Cheaper in CA? LMFAO. You have no idea how "cheap" it is down there if you haven't lived on your own yet.

And, yes, I am also here to give you my advice and opinion. Take it like a troop and don't bitch about it when you don't like what you hear. I'm not going to sugar coat anything so I won't hurt your feelings.

Thanks for your opinion and i won't take it personally who you bitch at me, but ill take and used it.

[tulip]

why is everyone still on this thread? she's already married.

[Hrm]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

Thanks for your opinion and i won't take it personally who you bitch at me, but ill take and used it.

I'm not bitching at you. I'm just telling you bluntly how I feel. I ain't gonna sugar coat anything, so you'll feel better about yourself or what you are doing. If you can't take it then go to someone who will tell you everything you want to hear.

If you're being a selfish bitch, I'm going to tell you. If you are throwing a bitch move, I'll let you know. You are and done both already, so yes, I do agree that you should start taking and using our advices.

[Hrm]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

no i'm a chang and he is a vang.

That is so weird.

Then why is his last name "Changsta" on his MySpace?

[mehlubu]

Originally Posted by Hrm

That is so weird.

Then why is his last name "Changsta" on his MySpace?

his joking around.........

[Hrm]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

his joking around.........

Weirdness..

But what's so weird is... someone deleted our other posts about the ARBY's thinking.

I thought that was funny. Keke.

[BoyGenius]

what the heck,

someone did delete my post...

i should post it again!

[mehlubu]

Originally Posted by Hrm

I'm pretty sure losing his family is so much easier than you two lying and sneaking around to see each other!

I think both way is hard, no way is easier than the other. And yes i do want to get marry if not why would we try to find a way to be together?

[mehlubu]

Originally Posted by BoyGenius

what the heck,

someone did delete my post...

i should post it again!

i don't know,,i think it was cute too, but the host of hmoob.com won't allow that kind of stuff hfere.

[familyjoke]

22??? that's too young to get married. You don't even know what you want in life yet! You have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way to go! 22 years old is still a baby

[BoyGenius]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

i don't know,,i think it was cute too, but the host of hmoob.com won't allow that kind of stuff hfere.

shucks...

well, tulip makes me want to be an Arby's sandwich...

"come here you sexy thang!"

[Hrm]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

I think both way is hard, no way is easier than the other.

Yah, like lying and sneaking around both of your family is as hard as him losing his family. I mean, could you get any dumber?!

Originally Posted by mehlubu

And yes i do want to get marry if not why would we try to find a way to be together?

Originally Posted by mehlubu

its not that i want to marry him and ask for it, he wanted to get marry but couldn't find a way to..

Come again?

Wow. For a twenty two years old.. you really lack intelligence and common sense.

[Hrm]

Originally Posted by mehlubu

i don't know,,i think it was cute too, but the host of hmoob.com won't allow that kind of stuff hfere.

I think someone just snitch bc they didn't want their picture here.